Vincent owned a home in Petaluma.  It was his separate property because he owned it before his marriage to Michelle. During marriage the parties took out a second mortgage with Bank of America, secured by the separate property home Petaluma.  Vincent argues that this is a community obligation because Michelle signed the deed of trust. The court ruled that notwithstanding Michelle’s signature on the deed of trust, the Bank of America loan was Vincent’s separate obligation because it was secured by his separate property home.  Thus, the proceeds of the loan were Vincent’s separate property. If Vincent spent those loan proceeds for community purposes during marriage, he has no right to reimbursement from the community for such expenditures. (Family Code, §§ 770, 850; Marriage of Lucas (1980) 27 Cal.3d 808, 816.)

Please click here to read the original Montalban opinion.

Please be sure to visit www.hardinglaw.com, the website for the law firm of Harding & Associates, for more information on California family law.

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Claudia and Roberto lived together for ten years in Mexico.  They moved to Nevada and got married.  After four years of marriage they got divorced.  After their trial the judge awarded Claudia $600 per month as spousal support payable 1/2 on the 1st and 15th days of each month, commencing 11-1-10 for a period of 12 months.  On December 1, 2011 spousal support was to terminate.

Claudia was not happy.  She filed an appeal.  The appellate court affirmed the trial judge.

Spousal support is governed by statute.  [Citation.]  In ordering spousal support, the court must consider and weigh all of the circumstances enumerated in [Family Code section 4320], to the extent they are relevant to the case before it.  [Citations.]  The first of the enumerated circumstances, the marital standard of living, is relevant as a reference point against which the other statutory factors are to be weighed.  [Citations.]  The other statutory factors include:  contributions to the supporting spouse’s education, training, or career; the supporting spouse’s ability to pay; the needs of each party, based on the marital standard of living; the obligations and assets of each party; the duration of the marriage; the opportunity for employment without undue interference with the children’s interests; the age and health of the parties; tax consequences; the balance of hardships to the parties; the goal that the supported party be self-supporting within a reasonable period of time; and any other factors deemed just and equitable by the court.  [Citation.]  [Citation.]  (In re Marriage of Ackerman (2006) 146 Cal.App.4th 191, 207 (Ackerman).)

Claudia gets no credit for the cohabitation in Mexico.  Only the duration of the valid marriage is relevant, and the appellate court show great deference to the trial judge in amount and duration of spousal support in the relatively short marriage.

Click here to read the Vazquez opinion.

Please be sure to visit www.hardinglaw.com, the website for the law firm of Harding & Associates, for more information on California family law.

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Acceptance: Be With It

So what do I mean when I say, “Be with it”? Another way of saying it is, “Accept it.” Accept the end of the marriage in all its gory details. Embrace the pain. That may sound strange to you, but it’s important, so let’s talk about it for a little bit.

The First Step in Acceptance is Courage

The first step in acceptance is courage – the courage to let your guard down and accept all the fears that are – rumbling around in your head. They’re already there; acknowledge them. How will it look to my family? How will it look to my friends? Will the people I work with talk about me behind my back?

He or she betrayed you. The marriage failed. Whatever you’re afraid of, it’s already happened, or it never will. You have no control over it. Whether your parents are angry or feel sorry for you, or however they feel, they’ve already felt it. Whatever your fears are about your friends and co-workers are probably exaggerated in your mind, but whatever those fears are – that they are laughing at you, or they pity you, or whatever – they’ve already done it or they never will.

We think we’re more important to other people than we really are. Maybe they’ll make a brief comment about your situation. Maybe they’ll even talk about it once or twice over lunch. I promise you that they don’t talk about you nearly as much as you think they do. They have their own problems. People are focused on their own little worlds, their husbands, wives, lovers, children, money.

If you can’t get past this, then let yourself imagine they are talking about you. Conjure up all the nastiness you think they might say. Whatever your fears are, face them. Everyone worries about looking good or, alternatively, not looking bad. Everybody. If you want to impress someone, go through a difficult time with dignity. Show true strength. Most people don’t have it in them.

Courage is Rewarded

When you face your fears, they shrink. When you resist them, they grow. For examples of this, you need look no further than your children and other people in your life. At times, your son or daughter was afraid or worried or nervous about something or someone. Maybe it was as simple as standing up in front of people at the spelling bee at school. Maybe it was a friend or relative who had to deal with something they didn’t want to deal with. As an outsider, you could observe their situation and you knew they were causing themselves more pain than was necessary.

My dad used to say, “Everyone takes their turn in the barrel.” Now it’s your turn. Be an outsider and look at your situation objectively. Know that if you have courage and face your fears, they’ll shrink away to nothing.

If you still have trouble doing this for yourself, then do it for your children. Be brave for them. You have the courage to stand in front of a bullet for them, so you certainly have the courage to face your fears. You need to become emotionally healthy so that they can be healthy.

Embrace The Pain

You may feel like a real victim and feel like the only person who has ever gone through the painful feeling divorce stirs up. You’re not. No one gets married and has kids with the intention of getting a divorce, and yet statistics say that 35% of first marriages end in divorce. The 50% figure you often hear about in pop culture is a combination of first and second marriages, because the rate for second marriages ending in divorce is higher than first marriages. So understand, you are not alone in facing pain caused by a divorce!

Let’s acknowledge that you are in pain now, and here I am telling you to embrace the pain as a second step. You probably think I’m nuts and you’re asking yourself, “Is he a masochist?” The answer is, “No.” I want to show you how to go beyond the pain.

Ultimately, to break through the pain and come out pain-free on the other side, it’s important to learn to just be with it, or simply accept the pain. This is what ultimately allows you to let the relationship go. This isn’t anything new. Keep in mind this is not some “New Age” advice. This is wisdom from ancient times. Folks have been going through these emotions and feelings for a millennium. The problem is that we human beings don’t like pain, so we resist it. By resisting it, we make it more intense and we make it last longer.

Not only do we resist pain, we often refuse to look at it. The longer we refuse to deal with it, the longer we suffer. An old Reiki master once summed it up for me this way: “On the other side of pain is joy.”

This will work for any relationship. You are now in charge of your future. The first step is up to you.

This article has been edited and excerpted from the book Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents with permission by MacKenzie Publishing, LLC, copyright © 2010, Len Stauffenger is a nationally certified attorney who understands and practices transformational energy. He is a catalyst for healing and responsible for helping countless individuals achieve success in their lives. For more information visit www.WisdomForDivorcedParents.com

Please be sure to visit www.hardinglaw.com, the website for the law firm of Harding & Associates, for more information on California family law.

#divorce #californiadivorce #alamedacountydivorce #contracostacountydivorce #pleasantondivorce #walnutcreekdivorce #childcustody #childvisitation #childsupport #alimony #spousalsupport #communityproperty

In a new study, the researchers followed 136 married couples who all reported being very satisfied in the first four years of their marriages. They questioned each spouse periodically over a period of 10 years, asking them to rate statements about marriage satisfaction, level of commitment, personality traits, stress levels, problem solving abilities, and how supportive they were with their partners. Some skills and traits were rated by the researchers, as the couples discussed relationship difficulties in the lab. . .

The couples who went on to divorce over the next ten years did not differ from the couples who stayed married in how happy or satisfied they said they were at the outset. But they did differ in other factors, largely having to do with how the partners communicated with and supported each other. Couples who went on to divorce were more likely to be poorer communicators, and tended to display more negative emotions and support mechanisms than people who stayed married.

A good read, with helpful tips to help you relationship thrive.  Please click here for the original article.

Please visit hardinglaw.com for more information about divorce and Harding & Associates Family Law.

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It used to be unusual. Rarely did you hear about long-term marriages ending. Not so much anymore. While it is not commonplace, it is a growing trend. They call them Gray Divorces or, in some circles, Empty Nest Divorces.

Divorces involving people between the ages of 50-59 have increased by 40% in the last few years. Some statistics now say that 25% of marriages lasting over 20 years now end in divorce.

As with anything else when you have a new trend, you also run into new challenges. A divorce after 59 looks a lot different than the one you would have at 29.

The reasons are fairly obvious. Typically, by the time people are in their 50′s and 60′s, issues of child custody and child support are no longer relevant. In their place are other challenges. Older people have had time to accumulate things. One or both may be retired. They may have issues of failing health. Or they may have a well-established business, or significant tangible assets, that simply cannot be sawed in half and handed out.

In the end, a Gray Divorce often looks very different from ones that occur earlier. Here are some of the things that are of special interest to older couples when their marriages end:

Financial Experts. Couples acquire things over time. By the time they reach their golden years they may have a fair amount of “gold”: established businesses, large retirement funds, securities, land, or second homes. Valuing these can be difficult. A business’ worth may not be readily apparent from its balance sheet alone. The sale or transfer of certain assets may have tax consequences. Moreover, one spouse may be much more familiar with the particulars of these more complicated assets. As a result, a financial advisor may be an important component of a Gray Divorce.

Medical Benefits. As one ages, health care becomes an ever-increasing concern. Health care is often attached to employment, or secured through one spouse. Decoupling that and demystifying Medicare are very important. In addition, with aging comes the specter, not only of diminishing health, but also declining cognitive ability. Consider both you and your spouse’s cognitive status. The court may step in if it feels that one of you has dwindling capacity to handle your affairs.

Dealing with Adult Children. While custody issues are typically not a problem in Gray Divorces, your children are still affected by it. Don’t forget to acknowledge these emotional issues, even though your children are grown. When a long-term marriage ends, it changes what your children have always known. They may feel as if they are required to take sides. Family traditions, holidays and time with grandchildren also change. These issues will need to be addressed.

Long-Term Arrangements. Older couples have generally made long-term legal arrangements, such as wills and trusts. These need to be reviewed in order to make sure they reflect your post-divorce desires. Likewise, older couples may have made provisions for long-term care, such as medical directives and living wills. Often, these things are created in anticipation of spouses making critical decisions for one another. Such documents will likely change.

Retirement Plans. After 20 years of marriage, retirement plans can be quite substantial. They can also be quite complicated. They are not just pools of money that can simply be divided. Retirement plans vary in kind, and they all have different restrictions, tax consequences, distribution and vesting rules. All of these things must be considered.

Lifestyle adjustment. Younger couples have time to re-accumulate wealth after divorce. In a Gray Divorce, the spouses have less time to re-establish themselves financially. One or both may be close to or in retirement. In many cases, people going through a Gray Divorce face living on half of what they earmarked for retirement. That demands a realistic re-assessment of how your later years may look.

Of course, this is an overview of the myriad of issues that are of special interest when older couples divorce. As always, information is power. The growth of this trend has created new resources aimed at older divorcees. If you find yourself in this position, make a point to seek them out.

Judge Lynn Toler, a graduate of Harvard and The University of Pennsylvania Law School, served as a municipal court judge for eight years. She presides over the courtroom on the nationally syndicated television show Divorce Court. She is also the author of My Mother’s Rules: A Practical Guide to Becoming an Emotional Genius, and co-author of Put it in Writing: Creating Agreements Between Family and Friends.

Please be sure to visit www.hardinglaw.com, the website for the law firm of Harding & Associates, for more information on California family law.

#divorce #californiadivorce #alamedacountydivorce #contracostacountydivorce #pleasantondivorce #walnutcreekdivorce #childcustody #childvisitation #childsupport #alimony #spousalsupport #communityproperty

The Academy was formed in 1986, inspired in part by the success of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, an organization founded in 1962 to improve the practice of law and administration of justice in the area of divorce and family law in the USA.

The primary objective of the Academy is to improve international family law practice throughout the world. It pursues that objective in a number of ways: creating a network of expertise in international family law around the world providing its fellows with information about both international and national developments in the law; offering advice and assistance to the wider public; promoting law reform and, where possible, harmonization of law.

The Academy website provides outline details on the work of the Academy and on the fellows of the Academy to the general public. Individual members of the public, and other professionals including other lawyers, are thereby able to identify legal expertise from around the world, and are offered information on some of the key issues in international family law.

Please click here to take a look at our Children and Divorce Guide for valuable information to help your children during divorce, and to help you parent better.

Please be sure to visit www.hardinglaw.com, the website for the law firm of Harding & Associates, for more information on California family law.

#divorce #californiadivorce #alamedacountydivorce #contracostacountydivorce #pleasantondivorce #walnutcreekdivorce #childcustody #childvisitation #childsupport #alimony #spousalsupport #communityproperty

Your marriage is in question and you’re facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding should you stay or should you go.

“I feel like I need to get a divorce and end this so-called marriage. Yet how can I be sure? Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others. A part of me still loves him, or at least I care for him. I don’t think I am in love with him, but what if I make a mistake? A lot of people will be affected by what I decide. Maybe I should not rush ahead with this. That’s amusing since I have been thinking about it for three years. This whole thing wouldn’t even be an issue and I could forget about this divorce, if he would just change his behavior.”

Or you may be the one who has just heard that your spouse wants a divorce.

“Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago we were talking about a vacation in the mountains. I had no idea our marriage was this awful? I am shocked and devastated. I have got to find a way to put a stop to this. Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal.”

Most books and articles on divorce are written based on the assumption that once a couple says they want a divorce that they are ready for divorce. It is our experience as therapists and divorce coaches, who have helped many people through this process that this is in fact not the case. Usually when couples begin the divorce process, either one but more often than not, both, are not really ready for the divorce.

Divorce professionals such as therapists, mediators, and attorneys often believe that statements such as, “I’ve had it with him.” or “My feelings have died for her,” are indicators that the marriage is over. Attorneys often equate being hired for their services as an indicator that the couple is ready to divorce. This is not so.

Most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests.

The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make, with consequences that last for years or a lifetime. A decision this important requires much greater attention than it is usually given by both couples and professionals. It is a process in and of itself. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.

The reason many people do not even think about getting ready for a divorce is because they operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation, the better. So there is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. But unfortunately, in most cases, just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts, or options. As a result, they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system, and the many life-changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often, they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.

This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility, vulnerability, or dependency. Whether a couple is starting the divorce process or even just contemplating a divorce, they need to first identify with the following divorce dilemmas.

The Three Divorce Dilemmas

Couples who are facing the possibility of a divorce face one of three dilemmas:

1. I want the divorce, but I am not sure if it is the right decision. Since going through a divorce affects the lives of your children, as well as your lifestyle, economics, and marital investment, the pressure to make the “perfectly correct” decision is enormous. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. The best-case scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based, nor driven by your ego.
2. I do not want the divorce, my spouse does. Being in this reactive place will leave you feeling out of control and a helpless victim. You will experience intense emotional devastation, as your life will be changing before your eyes without you having any say in the outcome. In addressing this dilemma, you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to staying on familiar, safe ground and to a marriage based on illusions. It is not easy to acknowledge and confront the problems in a marriage, when you are feeling so hurt by your partner.
3. I only want this divorce because my marriage is not working. If this is your dilemma, then you will want to avoid responsibility at all costs by seeing your partner to blame for the demise of the marriage. There will be tremendous preoccupation and anger about how your partner caused you to make this decision. The amount of noise generated from this blaming will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness. If this doesn’t occur, the divorce proceedings to follow will be riddled with tension and conflict, and a continuation of the blaming.

The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. In the first group, there is a fear of making a mistake and being incorrect, the second will hide from it by denying that there are any problems or admitting their attachment to the familiar, and the third group will fear any accountability and softness. The result in all three circumstances will be dragging, combative, and back-and-forth divorces.

For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically, and emotionally. To do this, each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the eight questions below.

The Eight Questions

Bruce Derman Ph.D. and Wendy Gregson LMFT are members of the Coalition of Collaborative Divorce. They have extensive experience in helping couples obtain a Better Divorce through preparation, collaboration and effective negotiation.

Please be sure to visit www.hardinglaw.com, the website for the law firm of Harding & Associates, for more information on California family law.

#divorce #californiadivorce #alamedacountydivorce #contracostacountydivorce #pleasantondivorce #walnutcreekdivorce #childcustody #childvisitation #childsupport #alimony #spousalsupport #communityproperty

Michael and Jeanne paid a visit to Jeanne’s brother, who happened to be a lawyer.  He was charges with two tasks:  draft a document that protects Michael’s assets from any collections efforts by the State, but make sure it does not prevent Jeanne from sharing in his wealth as his spouse.  Guess what?  It can’t be done.

Two documents were prepared and then signed by Jeanne and Michael.  The first document was called a antenuptial agreement.  It looked, smelled, and read like a pre-marital agreement.  It provided that all of Michael’s property would remain his separate property.  The second document was called an acknowledgment.  It said that the antenuptial agreement would not be effective as between Jeanne and Michael if they ever had a dispute with each other.  Both documents were prepared at the same time, and both documents were signed by Jeanne and Michael at the same time.

Jeanne and Michael then got married, split-up, and filed for divorce.  Of course Michael wanted the antenuptial agreement enforced, so that he would not have to share any of his property with Jeanne.  Sorry Michael, you lose.

Substantial evidence supports the trial court’s finding that the acknowledgment is evidence of the lack of mutual intent by Jeanne and Michael to enter into the antenuptial agreement.  The language of the acknowledgment, standing alone, is sufficient to support the trial court’s finding:  “We, [Jeanne and Michael], acknowledge that the Antenuptial Agreement dated October 15, 2002 will not be effective between the two of us should a dispute arise.”  (Italics added.)  The foregoing supports the trial court’s finding that the express intent of Jeanne and Michael in signing the acknowledgment was to ineffectuate the antenuptial agreement.  This finding is further supported by the testimony of Jeanne and her brother that Michael did not want a “real” antenuptial agreement, but instead wanted to be able to shield his assets and earnings from any claim relating to Jeanne’s child’s wardship.  Jeanne and Michael’s joint acquisition of real property during their marriage, which the antenuptial agreement anticipated the parties would not do, further supports the trial court’s finding that the antenuptial agreement was null and void from the time it was executed.

The bottom line here is that when you get married, either you are going to share with your spouse, or you are not.  There is no middle ground.  This case also reaffirms the old adage that “you take em like you find em.”  If Michael did not want to run the risk of paying for Jeanne’s liabilities, than he should not have married her.

Please click here to read the unpublished Macaluso opinion.

Please be sure to visit www.hardinglaw.com, the website for the law firm of Harding & Associates, for more information on California family law.

#divorce #californiadivorce #alamedacountydivorce #contracostacountydivorce #pleasantondivorce #walnutcreekdivorce #childcustody #childvisitation #childsupport #alimony #spousalsupport #communityproperty

Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
~ The Buddha

Anger, one of the five stages of the entire grief process (along with denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), is normal and healthy. Anger is not only healthy, it is even considered to be an essential part of grieving. As uncomfortable as it can be to feel heightened levels of anger for an extended period, it is crucial to allow yourself to go through this phase.

Anger can be a very scary experience, regardless of whether it’s your own anger or anger that is directed at you. For this reason, many people try hard to avoid it. Yet feeling angry is not wrong. It’s what you do with your anger that determines whether it is constructive or destructive.

Using anger to stand up for yourself and to take care of yourself and your children can actually serve you well. That is constructive. Screaming and raging can damage relationships and self-esteem and is, therefore, destructive.

Another expression of anger not discussed as often as screaming and raging is the kind of anger in which someone seethes for years. This is the person who cannot get over the wrongs that have been done to her or him, and self-identifies as a victim. Although it may feel powerful to wield your anger over someone, it is actually quite disempowering, because you are spending your valuable time and energy thinking about the person with whom you are angry. The act of focusing on that other person is sometimes called “giving your power away.”

Because divorce is such an intense experience, fraught with feelings of rejection, failure, and mistrust, it is a situation in which people have the potential to stay angry for years. They may resent the fact that they have had to return to work, or that they now have the burden of child care responsibilities, or that they have no hope of having children anymore and feel that they “wasted” valuable years with their ex-spouse. Perhaps they trusted someone who was untrustworthy and now their anger is directed at themselves as well as at their spouse.

There are endless scenarios and reasons why people can become—and stay—angry, but if you do stay angry, you should know that the toxic emotion is in you and the other person may have no clue that you are feeling the way you do. It is always in your best interest to move beyond feeling high levels of anger.

AFFIRMATION

I am moving through my anger today.

This article has been edited and excerpted from Stronger Day By Day with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Inc, copyright © 2010, Susan Pease Gadoua is the author of Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go (August 2008), and Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce (July 2010). Susan is a licensed therapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area with an expertise in marriage and divorce.